Stopping domestic violence. Promoting non-abusive behavior in today's world. A U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention approved, California-based Domestic Violence Victim Service Organization and Nongovernmental Entity providing programs and services to victims of domestic violence and their children.

Stopping domestic violence. Promoting non-abusive behavior in today's world. A U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention approved, California-based Domestic Violence Victim Service Organization and Nongovernmental Entity providing programs and services to victims of domestic violence and their children.
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Promoting non-abusive behavior in today's world
A U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention-approved, California-based Domestic Violence Victim Service Organization and Nongovernmental Entity providing programs and services to victims of domestic violence and their children. Educating the general public to identify abusive warning signs, behaviorial patterns, and personality traits.
WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Domestic violence is abuse that is of physical, mental, or emotional in nature perpetrated against one's significant other or cohabitant (e.g., molesting, attacking, striking, stalking, threatening, sexually assaulting, battering, credibly impersonating, falsely personating, harassing, making annoying telephone calls, destroying personal property, direct contact, indirect contact, coming within a specified distance of, or disturbing the peace of the other party). 

For hypothetical examples of domestic violence (given the individuals in each video are/were in a relationship or partners), watch these videos:
Video # 1
Video # 2
Video # 3
Video # 4

Domestic violence is never justifiable under any circumstances. 

We do not live in the Middle Ages anymore. We live in a modern world where reasonable persons are able to control their emotions, given any situation that one may experience or encounter. Losing control over oneself is the pathway towards commiting acts of domestic violence.

In short, the lesson to be learned before beginning the course, is to keep one's emotions under control (espcially anger), respect the needs of one's significant other, identify any behavior in the cycle of abuse, and make a conscious decision and effort to stop that destructive behavior.







Stopping domestic violence is a choice. Control yourself. Don't control others.

Our goal is to end domestic violence through education (with an emphasis on the Duluth Model) and promote non-abusive behavior in today's world. This website is made possible due to teaming with other organizations and is provided by Dr. Kirby Faciane, a domestic violence victim advocate who holds a J.D. and Ph.D. and is a member of the California Partnership to End Domestic Violence and the National Network to End Domestic Violence.
THE CYCLE OF ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR
Phase 1: Calm/Forgiveness 

 • Period of promise, hope, and gift-giving 

 • Ignore past abuse 




 Phase 2: Tension Building 

 • Passive-aggressive behavior 

 • Communication failures 

 • Financial/Communication/Transportation withholding and eavesdropping



 Phase 3: Incident 

 • Argument 

 • Property damage 

 • Physical abuse




WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSIVE PERSONALITIES
Domestic violence is about failure to control oneself and exerting control and power over others. Watch for this type of behavior! Abusers believe they have a right to control their partners by utilizing the following tactics:
 
• Telling their partners what to do  

 • Demanding obedience/compliance from their partner 

 • Refusing any challenge by their partners 

 • Failing to accept responsibility for wrongful acts 

 • Blaming their partners for their behavior 

 • Threatening their partners

 • Attempting to prevent their partners from having meaning familial relationships or friends 

 • Using children, family, friends, and others against their partners (e.g., passive-aggressive jokes, making fun of their partner in public as a means to humiliate, hurt pets) 

 • Sexually abusing their partner, either through forced sex or absolute refusal  

 • Withholding financial opportunity, preventing job offers, hiding cell phones, preventing transportation, reading text/email messages, changing passwords 

 • Are jealous of their partner or their partner's relationship with friends/family

 • Curb social interaction with friends and family  

 • Perceive unrelated comments as personal attacks 

 • Overly demanding with young children and treat children as "small adults" 

 • Refuses to engage in open-mindedness regarding gender roles 

 • Engages in histrionics to support their opnions 

 • Jekyll-and-Hyde tendency of demonstrating extreme hatred or over kindness 

 • Any property damage or physical threats during an argument 


In general, all individuals have abusive and non-abusive personality traits. The difference between an abuser and non-abuser is the abuser uses abusive personality traits to dominate and control their partner.


ABUSIVE PERSONALITY TRAITS
 
INTIMIDATOR
• Yells, breaks objects, stare-downs
 • Physically violent

EMOTIONAL CONTROLLER

• Passive-aggressive jokes meant to insult and embarrass and boost their own self-esteem 

 BAD PARENT 
• Engages in parental alienation 
• Takes children away 
• Turns children/pets against the other partner

ISOLATOR 
• Prevents family relationships and friendships 
• Controls all social activities 

 DECEIVER
• Fabricates stories (histrionics)
• Denies any wrongdoing

 ROYALTY 
• Maintains a "better-than" personality 
• Refuses to say "thank you" 
• Expects to be waited on similar to a "master-slave" relationship ("I like you waiting on me.")

 SEXUAL DOMINATOR 
• Controls the sexual experience either through complete denial, sex-on-demand, or unusual sexual requests 

 TRAPPER 
• Threatens to hurt partner or persons close to their partner 
• Sets up partner for family/police/court reporting purposes 
• Acts as a tattle-tale 
 
 

NON-ABUSIVE PERSONALITY TRAITS 
 
• Happy and cheerful 

 • Predictable and consistent  

 • Positive re-enforcer 

 • Admits fault

 • Asks for forgiveness to affected individuals or through spiritual/religious means  

 • Trustworthy and reliable 

 • Welcoming to friends, family, and others  

 • Supportive of their partner's profession  

 • Encourages learning and independent thoughts/opinions  

 • Co-parents  

 • Polite and maintains good manners 

 • Responsible for their own feelings and fully supports their partner’s learning, career etc.

 • Maintains a strong support system for children and emotions 

 • Lives with responsbile individuals 

 • Maintains an organized and clean environment  

 • Engages in reasonable discussions and avoids argument
Strategies to Stop Abusive Behavior:

Choices
and
Self-Control 

 


REMEMBER THAT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS DUE TO POOR CHOICES BY THE ABUSER
 
• Out-of-control anger issues 

 • Family history of abuse 

 • Alcohol 

 • Drugs 

 • Substance Abuse 

 • Learned behavior 

 • Refusal to take responsibility for their actions 

 • Unable to handle their problems as a reasonable person 

• Low self-esteem

• Regretful experiences from childhood



 
ACTIVE STEPS TO STOPPING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

• Realize that domestic abuse is caused by the loss-of-control of oneself which causes one to attempt to dominate and/or control others.  

• Recognize that abusive behavior can be changed into non-abusive solutions.  

• Take responsibility for your actions. 

• Eliminate all excuses for one's behavior (e.g., drugs, alcohol, personal issues, self-esteem).  

• Understand the behavior and sensitivities of your partner and others. (Use the information learned in this course to distinguish between abusive and non-abusive behavior). 

• Control anger and maintain composure at all times. Remember we do not live in the Middle Ages. This is an Era of Enlightenment for social respect and dignity. 

• As difficult as it may be, always express yourself in a reasonable, rational manner without yelling or engaging in ad hominem attacks.  

• Realize the social and personal consequences of domestic violence and know that abusive behavior is unacceptable and not worth it under any circumstances (espcially considering the loss of custody, supervised or no visitation with one's children, forced evacuation out of one's residence, lack of access to funds, surrendering all guns).  

• Admit that touching another person is a privilege, not a right.  

• Do not be influenced by fictionalized media accounts (music, television, film, video games, etc.). Leave fiction in dreamland or your imagination.  

• Read this website on a regular basis (including your partners, friends, and family).


CONTROL YOURSELF. DON'T CONTROL OTHERS.
CONTACT
After reviewing the information above and reflecting upon your own behavior, please email us at:

contact@stoppingdomesticviolence.com

to receive a free bracelet (Strength—Hope—Faith—Survivor) symbolizing your commitment in stopping domestic violence.



COLLABORATING ORGANIZATIONS


    

                

          

       

   

 


         



        

    
         
       

    

      



      

          

      

      

   

      

      

  

           

  


      

  

   

 
      

                 
 
         

        

       

  

  

    

 
          



         
  
        

     

  

          
      

        

   

      

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